I’ve been stuck for so long it feels like I’m cemented in my situation. They say that it’s best to start at the beginning. The beginning is so far back, I think it will be easier to start at the end.
Where I am right now is doubting all my choices. Feeling that there is so much more to life than working every day, cleaning house, watching TV and taking the occasional holiday.
There has to be more to it, right ? I’ve decided to follow my dream to write, journal, blog about my experiences and struggles and hope that someone out there is going through the same thing.
6 Years ago, my life came to a point where a 16 year relationship came to an abrupt end and I didn’t know if I was going to survive that. I was suicidal. My boss at the time, took me with her to a support group, I lived from one weekly meeting to the next.
I spent the next year listening to Audio books, completing work sheets, colouring in, beading and taking a long hard look at myself . I lost 30kgs that I had put on during the past few years of “eating my feelings”.
Becoming lonely, while listening to my favourite audio book , I heard that if you are looking for “someone” , make a list of all the qualities you would like that person to have. I did that . The next suggestion was to look at the list and ask myself which of those qualities I possessed. Needless to say , I came up short. The next step was to cultivate the qualities that I was seeking in someone else, in myself, to be the person that I was looking for.
It wasn’t long after that, that I met my current partner, what a funny story that is. (The meeting , not the relationship). 6 Years down the line , I see how I have grown and changed but I still feel like there is something unfilled in me and in my life and that I need to change even more. The greatest lesson that I have learnt is that you cannot change other people, only yourself.